Coercive control is a dangerous form of domestic abuse that is used to manipulate, intimidate, and scare survivors.
This type of abuse has been criminalised in some Australian states and is set to become a criminal offence in Queensland by 2025.
Coercive control involves emotional and psychological abuse. It can exist on its own without any physical violence, and this can make it harder to identify than some other forms of domestic violence.
It’s common for people who use control in their relationships to gaslight their survivors, calling them dramatic or ‘too sensitive’. This kind of manipulation can make survivors second guess themselves and whether they’re experiencing abuse or not.
It’s important to know the signs of coercive control to know when to seek help for yourself and keep an eye on the people around you.
This coercive control checklist includes just some of the common ways coercive control might be used in a relationship.
- Isolating from friends and family – The abuser may try to get their partner to reduce or cut contact with their support network, making them easier to control.
- Withholding affection – This might include giving their partner the cold shoulder or silent treatment as a form of punishment until the abuser gets what they want.
- Making all the decisions – The abuser will generally make all the important decisions in the relationship, ignoring their partner’s preferences and saying they know best.
- Discouraging from having hobbies or goals – The abuser may prevent their partner from pursuing hobbies or attending school or work with the goal of keeping the survivor’s inner world small and their self-esteem low.
- Monitoring activity – This generally involves excessive texts or calls when apart or reading messages or emails without their partner’s permission.
- Stalking – In extreme cases, monitoring activity may involve the abuser following their partner to keep track of them, or placing cameras or GPS tracking software on their home, car, or phone.
- Gaslighting – As mentioned, abusers who use control in their relationship will often deny the abuse by gaslighting their partner. They might do this by saying their partner is just being too sensitive or dramatic, or that they can’t take a joke. This will make the survivor question their experience and their reaction.
- Restricting autonomy – With the goal to reduce the survivor’s freedom and independence, the abuser might restrict their access to a car or public transport, hide their phone or laptop, or change their passwords for social media or banking apps.
- Controlling the body – This might include telling their partner what they can and can’t wear, or making passive aggressive comments about how they present themselves, how much they eat, or how often they exercise. It can even include hiding medications such as oral contraception.
- Degradation – The abuser might call their partner names, put them down, make fun of or criticise how they do things, and bully them under the guise of a “joke”. They might do this in private and/or in front of others to chip away at their self-esteem.
- Financial control – Financial abuse can be a form of coercive control. This involves the abuser withholding or limiting access to money, or dictating what money can and can’t be spent on.
- Jealousy and possessiveness – Constant accusations of cheating can be used to guilt the survivor into staying home from social events or cutting contact with friends and/or colleagues of the opposite sex (if in a heterosexual relationship).
- Reinforcing traditional gender roles – Statistics show that in most cases, the abuser is male. It’s common for men to use traditional gender roles to control their female partner’s behaviour. For example, they might use the argument that women are homemakers and mothers to coerce their partner into doing all the cooking, cleaning, and childcare.
- Threats and intimidation – This might involve threats to the victim’s own safety or that of their children, pets, property, friends or family.
If you recognise these behaviours, you may be in a controlling or unhealthy relationship. Help is available for anyone impacted by domestic and family abuse of any kind.
Learn about our counselling service here, or call us on 1300 364 277 for help finding the right support for your situation.
1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732
DVConnect Womensline: 1800 811 811
DVConnect Mensline: 1800 600 636
Sexual Assault Helpline: 1800 010 120
Kids Help Line: 1800 55 1800
Lifeline: 13 11 14
If you believe you or your children are in immediate danger, please call 000.