Conflict with our children can happen at all ages and stages of life.
When your children were kids, it was easier to resolve arguments – it’s likely that you lived under the same roof and your child relied on you. But now that your children are grown, it might be harder to navigate disagreements.
An argument, disagreement, or even a cut of contact with your adult child can be especially painful.
We offer some advice on how to repair your relationship with your adult child and move forward with a healthy parent-child relationship.
Listen with the goal of understanding
A heart-to-heart could be exactly what you both need. Demonstrating understanding and empathy is the first step to resolving a disagreement.
Ask about their side of the situation. Listen with the goal of understanding instead of “listening to respond.” Consider your child’s experiences, current situation, and why they might feel the way they do.
By asking questions and actively listening, you might learn something new about your child that can help you understand them even better.
Acknowledge
Acknowledge and take accountability for what’s happened. Talking about the situation is also a good opportunity to share your own perspective and feelings.
By taking responsibility, you demonstrate maturity, self-awareness, and a willingness to move forward.
If you don’t feel you’ve done anything wrong, take this opportunity to acknowledge how your actions affected them.
Apologise
When someone is upset with you, sometimes all it takes is saying sorry. A genuine apology can go a long way.
Maybe you’ve accidentally hurt your child’s feelings. Even if what you did was unintentional, apologising can help mend the wound.
Here’s some more advice on how to apologise to someone you’ve hurt unintentionally.
Put in the effort
An apology is always more meaningful when you also show an effort to make changes moving forward.
Reassure your child that you’re making changes so this won’t happen again.
Rebuild trust
Rebuilding trust takes time and practice – don’t expect it to happen overnight. Remain patient, gentle, and empathetic.
Take opportunities to earn back your trust with them – follow through on your promises, back up your word with corresponding action, and show genuine effort.
Establish boundaries
Boundaries are like guidelines which keep our relationships happy and healthy. They provide balance and make sure others aren’t overstepping or making us feel uncomfortable.
Establishing boundaries is a positive step to building healthy, mutually respectful relationships.
We provide a guide to setting boundaries with your adult child here.
Respect their boundaries
Just as you have boundaries, it’s important to let your child set boundaries, too.
When your child was young, their boundaries are likely to have been different than they are now. For example, they may wish for more independence, space, or privacy. It’s important understand shifting boundaries as your child gets older and goes through different stages of life.
Asking someone about their boundaries is an indicator of respect. Once they’ve communicated their boundaries to you, it’s critical to accept and respect those boundaries.
Know the signs of elder abuse
Family conflict is normal from time to time. But it’s critical to understand the differences between a normal argument and abuse.
Elder abuse is abuse which occurs against seniors. In Australia, adult children of the victim are the most common perpetrators.
You can learn more about the signs of elder abuse here.
Try family mediation
It can be useful to have an outsider’s perspective on a family conflict.
Family mediation is a meeting guided by a professional mediator who helps the family reach a mutually agreed solution and a way to move forward. The mediator provides expertise and insight while supporting you to safely discuss difficult issues.
There’s no shame in attending family mediation – in fact, it’s a positive sign of how much you care about each other.
Support is available
Are you having a conflict with a family member, and don’t know what to do? Family mediation can help resolve conflict and make plans to move forward in a safe, supportive environment under professional guidance.
You can contact the Senior Relationship Mediation Service and make an appointment at 1300 062 232
We offer more advice on healthy relationships with your adult children here.